He knows when you’re sleeping and stuff

After watching Kirk Cameron’s infamous Saving Christmas masterpiece, I was left feeling both inspired and cheated.  I feel like good ole’ Kirk didn’t go as far as he could have with this award-winning film.  There are so many more elements of Christmas that need explaining and redeeming.  Take note, Uncle Kirk: this one’s for you!

 

Don’t you want to build a snowman?

Snowmen

What is the Biblical-historical origin of snowmen, you may ask.  Take a moment to talk with me down the historical timeline.  Imagine darkness.  Imagine a few stars peeking out in the cold Judean night as sheep graze on the countryside.  Imagine gripping a wooden stick called a staff and staring off into the distance, wandering what your true purpose is.  Then suddenly, you are knocked off your feet at the sight of mind-searing light coming from the heavens.  The very fabric of the universe has been pulled back and you see beings dancing across the firmament.

That’s right—snowmen represent the shepherds who went to see baby Jesus.  Even today, when we build snowmen, we are still referring back to those lowly men who visiting the neigh-tivity scene.  This is clear when you realize that snowmen just stand there, never moving, always watching…always watching you…

 

I can’t think of a witty caption to put here

Christmas Lights

Go back to that Judean countryside.  Walk with me as we enjoy the crisp evening.  Look up to the heavens and see the millions of blinking lights across the celestial array.  The panorama stretches as far as you can see.  Each star is named by God and each one worships Him.

You are correct again—our modern day Christmas lights represent the stars that were there the night Jesus was born.  Each star worshipped Him that night.  So the next time you’re hanging those annoyingly tangled things up around your house, remember that you are participating in the real meaning of Christmas: stars.

 

You know what kinda train this is?

Hot Cocoa

Seriously, Kirk, you really let us down here after you waxed eloquent in the first opening sequence of your creative wonder.  What does the hot cocoa mean?  I mean, Tom Hanks and the Polar Express already tried to tell us something about it, but we need your wisdom as bad as Rusty Martin Sr.’s.  I guess I’ll have to try to fill your large shoes and explain this one for all the little people out there.

Imagine you are sitting in your house alone, pondering your future life with that dreamy carpenter down the street.  You’ve picked out your new curtains for those modern windows in your first-century Jewish abode and you’ve even got a dress from Lydia of Philippi (it sure was expensive).  Then suddenly, your entire world is rocked as you turn to see a creepy angel staring right through you.  How did he get in here?  Why won’t he say anything as he stares blankly at you?  What would Joseph think if he walked in right now?  You suddenly find yourself bathed in warm light—so much so that you drop the tea you were drinking and it spills all over your new shawl.

We’re really on a roll here.  There’s absolutely no question that Christmas hot cocoa represents the British tea the virgin Mary was drinking when the British angel showed up and gave her the skinny.  So next time you’re drinking that powdery dust from a mug with red and green scribbles and\or a fat Santa on it, remember that you are following in the footsteps of the Immaculate Heart herself.

 

The best non-Christian Christmas film to date

Reindeer

Think back to that neigh-tivity scene in that wooden structure we call a stable.  The snowmen shepherds are there.  Depending on your beliefs, the ‘wise men’ may or may not be there too.  Baby Jesus lays in the feeding trough with a halo around his head.  British Joseph and Mary are there too, each with their own halo.  It smells so fresh in this ancient garage—like a cow farm.  The animals are gathered all around, just like in that song we sing in church sometimes, looking at their Creator in their feed bucket.

Right again!  The modern day reindeer are actually the animals at the neigh-tivity scene.  They were all there to witness the birth of Jesus, just like a Disney movie.  So the next time you see those red-nosed critters, think back to how the animals witnessed the birth of our Lord and Savior.

 

No, we’ve never seen this film and never intend to

Elves

Forget elf worship, these creepy little pointy-eared guys are nothing but bundles of Christmas cheer!  Think back to the day (whatever day you think it was) when the wise men guys from the East Magi visited the baby boy Jesus and gave him like a million dollars worth of gifts.  As they knelt in the stable house, they presented their gifts to the King of Kings.

In our modern Christmas ways, we think of elves as creepy little guys always watching Santa’s cute little helpers, who assist the jolly ole’ Saint Nick in body slamming liberal Christians delivering gifts to kids.  Well, that’s exactly what the Magi did!  They brought gifts to Jesus!  See, elves aren’t so bad after all!

 

 

There, I did it! Where Cameron forgot to save Christmas traditions for you, I saved them!  You’re welcome.

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