Plot Summary
If Hallmark is to be believed, Noah lived in Sodom with Lot and constantly tried to stop people around him from fighting wars. Then a strange version of God decided to scare Noah into building an ark to save him and his white family. Once on the ark, the storm comes, and Noah and her family are all stuck there. Thus, they begin acting crazy and absurd until it’s finally all over with.
Production Quality (1.5 points)
Who knew Hallmark dabbled into Bible series in the 1990s? For the most part, the production of Noah’s Ark is fine, especially when it comes to video quality and camera work. However, there are some random lapses of audio quality throughout, along with a loud soundtrack. Sets and locations are also somewhat limited considering the intended scope of this film, but props are fine. There are also some very cheap special effects and obviously fake backgrounds, but the editing is surprisingly fine, and other elements show some improvement throughout. In the end, this is just an average production, but there are a lot of other issues to point out in this series.
Plot and Storyline Quality (-1.5 points)
When a Bible movie or series begins with a disclaimer telling you that they took creative license with a historical account, they are basically telling you to get ready for a whole lot of crazy. What is the actual point of altering historical accounts for fun? What if somebody altered more recent historical accounts for personal enjoyment? Trying to squeeze Lot, Sodom, and Gomorrah into the story of Noah is just all wrong and cripples this series before it even begins. Besides these obvious problems, the portrayal of God in this series is downright strange and bizarre, but this is only a part of this series’ overall weirdness. There are other bizarre characters and insinuations, fueled by strange dialogue and useless asides that waste time. Along with this comes several off-the-wall attempts at comedy and some totally head-scratching drug-trip moments that come close to making this debacle a parody. In short, there really isn’t much good to say about this section.
Acting Quality (1.5 points)
Like many attempts at bringing Bible stories to life, Noah’s Ark gives no care to cultural authenticity in casting, mixing American and BRITISH cast members of recognizable names to sell this show. Besides this, the cast is overall too dramatic, even though they do have plenty of good moments. The costuming is also fine, but it’s not enough to make this section any more than average.
Continuity Quality (1.5 points)
Though this ‘series’ only has two episodes, the continuity is mostly fine. There are some interesting character arcs and story arcs, but the many blatant content errors are complete inexcusable. Thus, this mishandling of historical fact brings this whole series down in flames.
Conclusion
Too often, Bible movies and series become about Hollywood trying to make some quick bucks on a Christian audience. But don’t get too high and mighty, Christian film makers—you do it too. Even Christians sometimes take great ‘creative’ license with historical accounts (see The Book of Esther). The bottom line is that there are so few good Bible movies and series on the market, and this is an absolute travesty. Biblical films and series should be the best of the best, not a laughingstock. We’re still waiting for this day to come.
Final Rating: 3 out of 14 points
Box Office Revolution 
Is that John Voight?
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Yup
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The problem with adapting bible stories is that you don’t have much to go on. The story of Noah, for instance is about 3-4 pages long. How does one adapt 3-4 pages into a epic of biblical proportions? Still waiting to see them try that and pull it off while not extensively padding everything.
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That is an interesting point to make. It is very difficult to make a historical account about a time period we don’t really know that much about since it was so far before our time, but I think that it is possible to do if the movie creator cares about making something that’s professional, dynamic, and as accurate as possible. Creative license can be taken in some areas to fill gaps, as long as it does not compromise the original account and message. Thanks for sharing!
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