There are several things you want to consider when you’re thinking about trying out for a Hallmark movie – especially a Christmas Hallmark movie. You’ll want to consider the plot, your looks, the age of the character, their family structure, their love interest, your looks, the expectations for the character, your looks, and your looks. In the following satirical journey I will outline an epic guide for how to get cast in a Hallmark Christmas movie.
The Middle-Aged Divorcees Romance Plot:
First things first, if you want to get cast in a Hallmark Christmas movie with this plot, you have to look the part. Notice the two middle-aged white people in the above photo, they are the very model of what a Hallmark couple should look like.
- Are they white? Check.
- Are they middle-aged has-beens from TV/movies gone by? Check.
- Have they had at least one (or in their case several) plastic surgeries? CHECK.
- Can they smile on cue? Yep. Is this a Colgate advertisement or what?
- Are they awkward yet comfortable, distant yet close?
- Do they have a somewhat vacant and uninterested look in their eyes? CHECK.
- Are they blonde? Yup.
- Is she wearing at least five layers of foundation? Check.
- Is HE wearing at least six layers of bronzer? Check.
- How about the outfits? They should say modern yet basic, young yet…mostly old. Hmm..on point!
- Does the man wear a suit coat at all times? Check.
- Is the woman miserable and too thin? Check. Although this one looks pretty good compared to, I don’t know, someone like this:
There we go! At least four bones of the body are visible in the above photo. Check!
And that’s about all you need in the looks department for this type of plot! Moving on!
Fake Fiancees Turn Bride and Groom Plot:
If you want to get cast in a Hallmark Christmas movie with this plot, you have to look the part. Notice the WHITE youngish couple in the above photo. They’re perfect.
- Are they white? CHECK.
- Is he in shape, or for double points, a bodybuilder in a tight, white button-up? Eh, he’ll do.
- Is she blonde and painfully thin? Yep.
- Does he look like Dean Cain’s cousin? Check.
- Does she look like an off-brand Barbie doll? Good enough.
- Can you dance? Or at least pretend to? You know, the old two-step?
- Are you prepared to act in a Western/country/southern/small town theme?
- Are his sleeves rolled up? Check.
- Is she awkwardly touching his chest/abdomen? Or in this case trying to unbutton his shirt? I’m surprised at you Hallmark! Check.
- Are you prepared to interact with an annoying child actor? i.e. His/her little brother/sister/cousin/niece/nephew? Let’s hope so.
- Is the main character prepared to interact with an overbearing mother/father figure and or a needy grandparent? They’d better be.
- Is the main character prepared for fake awkward/embarrassing moments when their parents interact with their fake fiance? For example: “Honey do you remember when Jane/John was a sheep in the church Christmas play and fell off the stage? HAHA!” Prepare yourself.
And that’s about all you need for this plot! Moving on!
The Hometown ex-boyfriend/girlfriend competes with Big City boyfriend/girlfriend Plot:
If you want to get cast in a Hallmark Christmas movie with this plot, you have to look the part. Fortunately, you don’t have to be too young for this one. The late twenties to mid-thirties bracket is fine. As long as you are willing to wear stage makeup or have a minor/major plastic surgery to correct aging flaws. I hear those gold-based facials really work. You know the drill by now, let’s go through the checklist!
- Are they both white? What do you think? Although, this plot leaves a little more room for the imagination in the race category. If you’re Hispanic or a mixed race, no worries! Hallmark is more forgiving to non-Aryans in this plot structure. However, I’ve never seen them cast an Asian. Sorry.
- Are they child actors from a past popular sitcom/soap opera? Check. If this doesn’t apply to you, just say that you are a big Full House or Growing Pains fan! It helps to have a tattoo of a Cameron sibling (i.e. Kirk, Candace, that nameless older sister who dances and was seen on Saving Christmas). As long as you can’t see it on screen. Hehe.
- Are you prepared to constantly manage a love triangle? For instance, you can’t pick one man/woman over the other until the end of the movie. Sorry in advance.
- Can you sing, dance, play a musical instrument, ride a horse, or sell flowers? Perfect! They’ll need this talent for the middle of the film.
- Are you prepared to constantly deal with a matchmaking female relative? Good!
- Can you portray a business professional who’s tired of the big city life? Perfect!
- Tired of being blonde! Okay! This is the one plot in which they allow different hair colors: Dirty blonde, red, light brunette, etc. Okay okay, I know the woman in the photo is blonde….
Well this plot is so simple there’s really nothing else to say. Moving on!
The TBF (token black friend) tricks white female friend into a blind date:
If you want to get cast in a Hallmark movie with this plot, you have to be as awkward and white as possible, with the exception of the TBF.
- Is the TBF extremely happy? Borderline on hysterical? Taking helium? Yep.
- Is the TSWF as square and nerdy as possible, with a ridiculous stiff grin? Yup.
- Are there magical elements? Yep. How do I know? Just look at those twinkly sparkly light things, and I’ll bet there’s a sleigh bells soundtrack in the background.
- As an African-American, are you prepared to have you ethnicity demeaned to nothing more than an eternally happy character who does nothing more than crack jokes and spout cliches/platitudes and act sassy/annoying/obnoxious? You’d better be! Cause that’s all you’re gonna get from Hallmark baby!
- As the single white female friend, are you prepared to act awkward and mysterious while wearing fifty layers of foundation and a casual chic wardrobe? Pull it together! Its what the people want! Or is it?
- As the TSWF, are you prepared to be the one who says something in a group conversation, only to have the group stare at you with vacant expressions, then laugh loudly? Lock away those emotions pal!
- As the victim, otherwise known as the blind date, are you ready to go out and fall in love with a complete stranger who has a pet poodle and a busy corporate job? She may or may not actually love you, she’s just desparate! In a noncommittal, I-don’t-need-no-man sort of way.
Well that says it all folks. NEXT!
The Child Match-maker plot:
If you want to get cast in this plot, you have to be completely clueless and have no self-respect or self-confidence whatsoever. That’s about it. Onto the checklist!
- Are you prepared to constantly interact with a control freak in the form of a demented child who thinks they have a career in matchmaking. They KNOW what you need. They KNOW who you love. They’re. Always. Watching.
- Are you prepared to be shamelessly manipulated by a child who has let a little dose of authority go to their head?
- Are prepared to forcibly fall in love, kind of a captive-loves-former-captive type thing?
- Are prepared to have a double wedding with….I gasp….your mom and new step-dad!?
If not, I hear there’s an opening in the Fake Fiance Turns Bride and Groom plot!:) Movin’ on!
The Forbidden Love Plot: (rare)
If you want to get cast in this plot, you have to look the part. This one is a real doozy. You know the type. The woman/man has to appear in public and say and do all the social requirements with his/her parents choice for a mate, while meeting their true love, a hairdresser, graffiti artist, or sculptor, at midnight in the snow with a streetlight shining on their faces. They draw close together, their eyeballs almost touching, and tilt their heads opposite directions ever so slightly….but before I inspire tempting thoughts, let’s go through the checklist!
- Does he look at least somewhat down-to-earth and normal? I guess. This goes for the female in the same role too. Good news! The forbidden true love character is allowed to look mostly like an average American.
- Does she look like a girl from a rich family? You know, the parents avoid Goodwill like the plague, buy only designer clothing, and own a big bad business who hates on the little people? Meanwhile she’s the angelic Belle character who loves everybody and hates money (totes unrealistic). Eh, she’ll do.
- Are you prepared to kiss your true love in the snow with a backdrop of way too many Christmas decorations? (as seen above) And your parents pick at a Christmas party full of old people and an artificial Christmas tree decorated with two-dollar bills, MAGA ornaments, and an Uncle Sam hat/Statue of Liberty on top?
- Can you play hard to get, or in this case, easy to get?
- Can you play either the female who feels bad about her plan to elope, or the male who doesn’t feel good enough for his rich intended?
- How about the climax scene where he jumps in front of the bullet…
Just kidding, this never happens.;)
That’s a wrap folks! You will leave this post feeling one of two ways:
Hockey stick! (name that Christmas movie)