Movies That Are So Bad They’re Not Even Worth Our Time, Christmas Edition (MTASBTNEWOT Christmas)

In our vast Christian entertainment viewing experience, we sometimes come upon films that we can hardly justify writing a full review for.  Therefore, for your convenience, so you don’t have to go watch those free films that invade your suggested watch list in on-demand video services, we’ve provided a quick overview here.  For now, here’s a collection of Christmas films that fall into this category.

 

It’s very hard to explain

Beverly Hills Christmas

This is barely a Christmas movie at all except that it’s based on the typically bizarre magic premise you find in many knockoff holiday films.  Dean Cain and a Meryl Streep lookalike star in this movie that’s filled with wacko works-based theology and abstract vague fantasy lingo and concepts.  Apparently some dead woman has to get into heaven by making her spoiled brat daughter act good, so she decides to bring a nice kid back to life by shooting lightning into his skull even though Dean Cain told her not to touch people.  It’s a shame this off-the-wall movie wasted a decent character arc and a remotely interesting idea.

 

Look, a rose!

Natalie’s Rose

Also barely a Christmas film (or a Christian one), this time about a horse named—guess what—Rose.  Basically, this movie wastes an hour of your time on farm footage and sitting around talking before coming to the shocking conclusion: the horse is a “special” horse that turns into a rose.  [ENTER GIANT FACEPALM HERE].  No joke.  The production is terrible and most people won’t even make through the entire slogfest to see the main character having hallucinations about glowing horseback riders at night.  How this garbage gets made is beyond us.

 

DAX!

The Heart of Christmas

When you use kids with cancer as props and parade vain Christian actors and actresses in front of the camera in some kind of lame attempt to raise money for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital in a shameless commercial soliciting you for money, we don’t have much respect for you.  Sure, St’ Jude’s does some great things and helps families in need, but can’t we just have a normal movie without all the advertising, drama, and pageantry?  They didn’t even try to make this true story a realistic plot.  It’s really shameful when you have characters telling you to make donations.

December 19, 2016January 13, 2019 by Box Office Revolutionary Categories: Movie Reviews, Opinion PiecesTags: 1998, 2015, Abby de Vos, Allan Creel, Andrew McKellips, Andy Cohen, Anita Renfroe, Boonie Publishing & Productions, Brandon Tyler Russell, Brian Skiba, Brooke Bryan, Bruce Marchiano, Burgess Jenkins, Candace Cameron Bure, Christian Nelson, Christopher Shone, Clayton Cannon, Dean Cain, Dee Smiley, Dendrie Taylor, Donna Spangler, Eric Jay Beck, Erin Bethea, F.D. Lewis, Five Arts Films, Gary Wheeler, George Newbern, God & Country Entertainment, Hayden Nelson, Heather Rezin-McKellips, Heidi Creel, Horse, Ian McKellips, Jeanne Neilson, Karl T. Wright, Kaya Millar, Kelsey Kupecky, Kirsten Lea, Lance W. Dreesen, Lynn Marie Sager, Mara Rydell, Mark Friedrichsen, Matthew West, Mike Rutkowski, MTASBTNEWOT, My Three Sons Films, Nicholas Shone, Oregon Pacific Pictures, Paul McKellips, Ravin Spangler, Remarkable Entertainment, Sam Taft, Satyricon Pictures, Simona Fusco, Sophie Sinise, Susan Rumor, Timothy McKellips, Uplifting Entertainment, Vincent De Paul 1 Comment

3 Day Test {3 Day Christmas} (Movie Review)

The marauders are coming…

Tina says no!

Plot Summary

Martin Taylor, an obsessive accountant, is tired of how his family never spends any time together.  Prompted by his half-crazy prepper brother to begin preparing for doomsday by taking the 3 Day Test, Martin sees it as his last chance to get to know his family again.  So he disconnects them from modern amenities and is assisted by local police in convincing his family to endure the three days in the comfort-free world.  But little do they know that they were not at all prepared for what’s coming next…

 

Production Quality (2 points)

As usual for Corbin Bernsen, production quality is slightly above average in 3 Day Test.  The camera work is pretty good and video quality is clear.  Audio quality is fine except for an annoyingly blaring Christmas soundtrack and dumb sound effects.  The sets and locations are slightly limited due to the premise, but they are well designed.  The editing is fairy respectable with only some minor quirks.  In short, Bernsen has always succeeded at production quality, but that’s not even the half of this film.

Plot and Storyline Quality (.5 point)

Where to start?  3 Day Test is based on a bizarrely forced Christmas apocalyptic survival premise in which you never really know what’s coming next.  Though it doesn’t have to be a Christmas film at all, it takes place during Christmas and contain many sarcastic head-scratching asides and forced comedy moments.  Since the dialogue is either information dump or downright zany, the characters come off a mostly mentally insane and unstable.  As slightly interesting concepts are shoved in your face and packaged in ridiculous ways, many occurrences are highly unrealistic and head-scratching.  The longer the movie goes on, the weirder it gets as the audience is pulled into an over-the-top descent into madness coupled with a wacky Home Alone rip off.  By the time it’s all over, no sense can be made of it and there are unexplained factors and loose ends.  Is it satire or just total insanity?  Your guess is as good as ours.

Acting Quality (1.5 points)

Sporting some professional cast members and some odd child actors\actresses, this cast is a mixed bag.  It’s sometimes pretty good while other times it’s histrionic and annoying.  Line delivery is actually quite professional, but there are just too many episodes of craziness to warrant any more points than this.

Conclusion

Once again, what are we to make of Corbin Bernsen?  Is he a mad satirical genius or is he just trolling?  3 Day Test is actually less satire than usual for him and more goofy madness.  While we wholeheartedly agree that families need to spend more time together, and not just during the holidays, this does not have to involve a ridiculous false survival premise.  This leads us to wonder if Bernsen is actually advocating for ‘prepping for an apocalypse’.  Who knows what he really believes; we may never know.  The bottom line is that he’s wasting his talents and resources on facepalm-inducing films that no one really cares about when he could be making a real difference.  Will he ever change?  We somehow doubt it.

 

Final Rating: 4 out of 10 points

December 5, 2016January 13, 2019 by Box Office Revolutionary Categories: Christmas, Comedy, Movie ReviewsTags: 2012, 4 points, Aidan Potter, Bill Bradshaw, Chris Aronoff, Christmas, Comedy, Corbin Bernsen, Francesca Capaldi, George Newbern, Heidi Wilhelm, Home Theater Films, Kelleigh Miller, Kevin Crowley, Megyn Price, Michael Winnick, Richard Fike, Taylor Spreitler 5 Comments