Fishes ‘n Loaves: Heaven Sent (Movie Review)

Plot Summary

Since Pastor Randy Michaels’ inner-city church is being shuttered by the ministry organization that runs it, he and his family are being reassigned to a small town across the country in Arizona.  Though reluctant to go at first, the Michaels family arrives to meet strange and eccentric characters that pique their interest in the town.  They soon find that they have a greater purpose for being there than they ever thought.

 

Production Quality (2 points)

As one of those secular-company-tries-to-make-a-Christian-movie-to-make-some-money gigs, Fishes ‘n Loaves: Heaven Sent, one of the most awkwardly-titled films ever, has a fine production.  Though there is some random shaky camera work throughout, other elements are fine, including video quality and audio quality, even though the soundtrack is silly.  Though some sets and locations are slightly limited, they are not all bad, and props are realistic.  The editing is a pretty standard job, but then again, most of this film was taken from the inspirational film factory.  Thus, there is nothing creative to speak of here.

Plot and Storyline Quality (0 points)

This oddly-titled film rips off the old standby plot in which an offbeat pastor and his family gets reassigned to a struggling church in an eccentric small town in the middle of nowhere that’s filled with off-the-wall, goofy characters that are trying way too hard to be comedic.  I’m just surprised there’s no save-the-church elements here.  Basically, this so-called comedy is extremely forced and plastic, mostly due to very juvenile dialogue.  There is really no conflict to speak of as the story meanders along in pointless and purposeless ways.  Random things happen to check plot boxes and then the movie is mercifully over, leaving no impression whatsoever on the viewer.  The Christian message that is forced in is very cheesy and unfeeling, which is no surprise considering this is a secular cash-grab.  The only thing left to ponder is why this is even a movie at all.

Acting Quality (1 point)

Though there are some okay moments throughout that keep this section from being worthless, most of the time, this cast seems to be competing for who can have the most screen time.  They are all very impressed with themselves, especially the lead actor, and appear to be auditioning for better roles in other films.  A lot of them have questionable and weird accents and many of them look like they just got rejected from a Hallmark casting call.  Again I ask, why is this a movie?

Conclusion

Whoever pitched this idea was probably rejected by Hallmark and possibly UP for total ineptitude, even by Hallmark standards.  The rating does not reflect how empty this film really is.  Were it not for the strangely high amount of funding, this film would be a total wash.  Even so, it still takes its place in the basement of Christian film, so why bother with more money?  Many audiences will see through this blatant and very poorly executed pandering to Christians.

 

Final Rating: 3 out of 10 points

 

Advertisements

Countdown: Jerusalem {Countdown: Armageddon} (Movie Review)

Discount Natalie Grant

Plot Summary

A reporter is doing a regular live new report when the whole world starts falling apart!  Buildings begin crumbling to pieces and roads start cracking up.  The only answer is that everything points to Jerusalem and Armageddon.  The reporter suddenly realizes that her daughter and husband are missing, so she follows in their footsteps to find them again, meeting bizarre characters along the way.  Will she ever be able to find them before the world to irreparable pieces???

 

Production Quality (0 points)

The Asylum’s Faith Films venture boasts that hardly any money is spent on these parody films they make, and it definitely shows.  All the weird, crazy, and basically terrible special effects and sound effects used reflect both lack of funding and lack of care.  Most scenes look like they’re done in one take and just slapped together in every way.  It’s also likely that little post-production work was performed in these films.  The only reason to even highlight them at all is to show how the only reason films like this are able to be made is because there are hundreds of terrible Christian films that are supposedly serious.  Thus, The Asylum is able to hide among them and parody familiar titles.

Plot and Storyline Quality (-1 points)

Countdown: Jerusalem pretends like it’s from the makers of familiar apocalyptic titles by lifting the same old predictable apocalyptic elements and storylines and regurgitating them into a nonsensical movie.  Again, this is easy to do because Christian film makers have set the bar so low.  Everything about this movie is a total ripoff and a joke, but then again, this wasn’t the first or last time someone replicated the Left Behind concept and ‘rebranded’ it (see the Apocalypse saga, the new Left Behind, the other new Left Behind reboot, The Mark saga, The Moment After saga, Jerusalem Countdown, etc.).  This concept is so worn out that it’s almost worth making fun of at this point.

Acting Quality (1 point)

Though this cast is clearly not trying and is phoning in performances, they are not all bad, which saves this film from being negative.  But for the most part, they are overly dramatic and forced.  Thus, this rounds out a full-scale parody.

Conclusion

At this point, it’s hard to tell what the difference between a parody Christian film and a so-called serious Christian film is.  That’s why suspiciously-titled films like this one are so easy to put out: because the Christian film market is such a mess, nobody can tell who’s serious anymore.  If the Christian entertainment world raised the bar and didn’t just elevate anything that claims the name of Christ because ‘persecution’ or something, then these sorts of films wouldn’t exist.  But maybe some things are worth making fun of.

 

Final Rating: 0 out of 10 points

 

Saving Faith [2012] (Movie Review)

Plot Summary

After Malcolm’s family is killed in the car wreck that he survives, he begins making poor choices that cause his life to fall apart.  He feels like he’s coming unhinged and what’s worse is that one of his employees in entangled with a dangerous gang that drags Malcolm into the mix of everything.  Will he be able to keep his head above water and remember the faith he has long abandoned?

 

Production Quality (0 points)

One has to wonder what the standards are for PureFlix to distribute a film.  Much like Saving Winston, Hollow, As I Stand, Without a Father, Birdie and Bogey, Running Inside Out, The Wager, etc., Saving Faith is a terrible production in every possible way.  Video quality is very cheap and there are a lot of weird camera angles.  Audio quality is also bad and there’s not enough of a soundtrack.  Sets, locations, and props are extremely cheap and limited.  Finally, editing is non-existent and all possible content—including useless content—is included.  Basically, this is an awful mess.

Plot and Storyline Quality (0 points)

As a typical post-tragedy troubled character plot, Saving Faith follows a lot of predictable conventions.  It is very melodramatic and refers to a lot of off-screen content, even as plenty of time is wasted.  Despite this fact, there is hardly enough content to sustain a plot at all as scenes are dragged out painfully in order to fill time.  Dialogue is dead as the characters are cardboard cutouts with no feeling whatsoever.  In the end, if you make it that far, problems are resolved way too easily and thus, nothing is learned.  Unfortunately, this is yet another throwaway movie.

Acting Quality (.5 point)

Though this cast has more potential than the rest of the film, they are still overly practiced and stiff in their line delivery.  Emotions are basically non-existent and empty.  With such a low budget, it’s easy to see why there was no coaching, but in the grand scheme of things, what was really the purpose of this film?

Conclusion

It’s likely that a lot of low-funded films have creative teams behind them who mean well but who didn’t anticipate the great undertaking that film making actually is.  In such cases like this, it would be better to make a short film or a beta test and not release it to the public because doing so only hurts your reputation and the reputation of Christian film.  But perhaps the people behind movies like this will improve in the future and surprise us all.

 

Final Rating: .5 out of 10 points